I said that Sean Hannity took residence up Newt Gingrich's
butt from 94 to 98. I got that from British read more

I said that Sean Hannity took residence up Newt Gingrich's
butt from 94 to 98. I got that from British intelligence.
It turns out he only took up residence in 95.

The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain.

The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain.

The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

Humour has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

Humour has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.

If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver…and since he is so busy, you'd probably read more

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver…and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it 'dull' that Jesse James once got bitten on read more

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it 'dull' that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I am no longer a curmudgeon.
I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

I am no longer a curmudgeon.
I am a curmudgeon emeritus.