I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going read more

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping read more

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one read more

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or read more

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

We never respect those who amuse us, however we may smile at their comic powers.

We never respect those who amuse us, however we may smile at their comic powers.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain.

The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain.