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    I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

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  18  /  30  

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  15  /  21  

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked read more

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me.".

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  13  /  20  

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top read more

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  12  /  24  

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, read more

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  14  /  22  

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out read more

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  10  /  16  

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak read more

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  16  /  21  

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press read more

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  15  /  23  

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the read more

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  15  /  29  

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, read more

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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