Jack Handey ( 10 of 19 )
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
To me, Judo is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers knock each other down.
To me, Judo is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers knock each other down.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, read more
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but read more
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using read more
I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best read more
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are read more
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a read more
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like 'Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!' and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, 'That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.' Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold read more
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me read more
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.