Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. read more

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do....".

If you want to know about a man you can find out an awful lot by looking at who he read more

If you want to know about a man you can find out an awful lot by looking at who he married.

The most expensive wedding usually ends with the quickest divorce.

The most expensive wedding usually ends with the quickest divorce.

A good cigar is as great a comfort to a man as a good cry is to a woman.

A good cigar is as great a comfort to a man as a good cry is to a woman.

In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn read more

In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home.

She was not a women likely to settle for equality when sex gave her an advantage.

She was not a women likely to settle for equality when sex gave her an advantage.

Don't you realize that as long as you have to sit down to pee, you'll never be a dominant force read more

Don't you realize that as long as you have to sit down to pee, you'll never be a dominant force in the world? You'll never be a convincing technocrat or middle manager. Because people will know. She's in there sitting down.

All marriages are happy. It's living together afterwards that is difficult.

All marriages are happy. It's living together afterwards that is difficult.

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.