There's the humour of it.

There's the humour of it.

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully.

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to read more

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a read more

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic
genius.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic
genius.

I figured that if I said it enough, I would convince the world that I really was the greatest.

I figured that if I said it enough, I would convince the world that I really was the greatest.

Dignity consists not in possessing honors, but in the consciousness that we deserve them.

Dignity consists not in possessing honors, but in the consciousness that we deserve them.

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.