At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
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Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all read more
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real read more
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into read more
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home read more
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold read more
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby.".
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be read more
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say read more
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a read more
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
