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    I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

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When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It read more

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked read more

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me.".

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  16  /  17  

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger read more

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press read more

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you read more

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man.".

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the read more

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see read more

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell read more

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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