If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!".
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Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But read more
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the read more
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he read more
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the read more
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to read more
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak read more
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe read more
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", read more
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
