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    You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

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  21  /  29  

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a read more

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

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  15  /  17  

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could read more

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  18  /  30  

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  36  /  34  

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  9  /  19  

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it read more

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

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  17  /  30  

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on read more

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  11  /  18  

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say read more

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  14  /  16  

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see read more

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless read more

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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