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A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold read more
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby.".
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could read more
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all read more
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it read more
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a read more
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you read more
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going read more
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he read more
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home read more
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.