Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman a ring.

Opportunity knocks for every man, but you have to give a woman a ring.

Family jokes, though rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive.

Family jokes, though rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive.

She'd have you spew up what you've drunk when you were out.

She'd have you spew up what you've drunk when you were out.

Marriage is like a box of chocolates. You have to squeeze a few bottoms to make sure you like what read more

Marriage is like a box of chocolates. You have to squeeze a few bottoms to make sure you like what you are getting.

A woman in love can't be reasonable--or she probably wouldn't be in love.

A woman in love can't be reasonable--or she probably wouldn't be in love.

The woman who is known only through a man is known wrong.

The woman who is known only through a man is known wrong.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how read more

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

Such a wife as I want... must be young, handsome I lay most stress upon a good shape, sensible a read more

Such a wife as I want... must be young, handsome I lay most stress upon a good shape, sensible a little learning will do, well-bread, chaste, and tender. As to religion, a moderate stock will satisfy me. She must believe in God and hate a saint.

Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is the temple where read more

Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is the temple where they worship arrested development.