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    I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

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  41  /  32  

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children read more

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  14  /  20  

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the read more

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  12  /  20  

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  19  /  34  

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping read more

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

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  15  /  11  

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, read more

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  15  /  16  

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you read more

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man.".

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  14  /  16  

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see read more

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  16  /  18  

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could read more

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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  13  /  20  

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I read more

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
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