I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was read more

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be read more

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could read more

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out read more

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on read more

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a read more

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children read more

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.