If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the read more

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, read more

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could read more

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the read more

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on read more

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, read more

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.