Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother read more

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger read more

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real read more

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to read more

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could read more

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you read more

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man.".

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe read more

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.