I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
You May Also Like / View all maxioms
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on read more
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the read more
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you read more
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one read more
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. read more
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening read more
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, read more
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
