Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he read more

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could read more

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the read more

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one read more

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home read more

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out read more

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.