Maxioms Pet

X
  •   13  /  23  

    The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

Share to:

You May Also Like   /   View all maxioms

  ( comments )
  15  /  29  

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, read more

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  16  /  21  

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press read more

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  22  /  33  

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on read more

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  14  /  22  

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out read more

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  15  /  17  

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could read more

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  12  /  20  

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  13  /  24  

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It read more

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  16  /  17  

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger read more

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
Share to:
  ( comments )
  15  /  20  

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

by Jack Handy Found in: Deep thoughts Quotes,
Share to:
Maxioms Web Pet