Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve read more

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.