Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve read more

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.