Jack Handy

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the read more

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long read more

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or read more

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out read more

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see read more

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals