Jack Handy

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was read more

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a read more

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.