Jack Handy

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it read more

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all read more

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little read more

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going read more

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you read more

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.