Jack Handy

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he read more

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless read more

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long read more

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to read more

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, read more

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.