Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say read more

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over read more

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.

I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't read more

I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say 'What?'. So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says 'What?'. But really it's just some insignificant sh*t that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away.'

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them read more

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally read more

I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'. But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote 'I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of sh*t you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' I know this letter took a harsh turn right away.