Mitch Hedberg

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn read more

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna read more

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.