Jack Handy

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I read more

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one read more

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.