Jack Handy

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to read more

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to read more

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out read more

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.".

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see read more

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.