Ambrose Bierce

ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn."Eat arsenic? Yes, all read more

ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn."Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get," Consenting, he did speak up;"'Tis better you should eat it, pet, Than put it in my teacup." --Joel Huck

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.

Women and foxes, being weak, are distinguished by superior tact.

Women and foxes, being weak, are distinguished by superior tact.

ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man standing or a growing cabbage. A man in read more

ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man standing or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot is not considered as having a zenith, though Horizontalists hold that the posture of the body was immaterial.

Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.) read more

Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. If we must have them, let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to MH.