The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
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Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to read more
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start read more
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out read more
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother read more
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long read more
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil read more
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, read more
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
