I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to read more

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, read more

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it read more

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, read more

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home read more

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the read more

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see read more

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.