As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for read more

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend read more

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!".

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", read more

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, read more

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. read more

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger read more

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the read more

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless read more

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to read more

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.