Joan Rivers

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that read more

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.