Joan Rivers

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you read more

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that read more

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly — hurt, bitterness, grief, read more

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly — hurt, bitterness, grief, and, mostof all, fear.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.