Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that read more

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you read more

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.